Why is change so hard? Something that is discussed a lot during my sessions with clients. Many people, myself included desire changes in our lives and know that change will be good for us. Yet it doesn’t seem to stick. How many times have you started to do something new, implement new change only to fall off the wagon? It’s because change is a complex process that often challenges our deeply ingrained habits, beliefs, and patterns of behavior. Our bodies fight to be in homeostasis to stay safe in the familiar, even if the familiar is unpleasant. Enter Don Kelly and Darrell Connor’s Emotional Cycle of Change psychological concept. This concept explains the emotions we go through when navigating change. Interestingly, the Emotional Cycle of Change is based on the stages of grief and loss. This makes total sense…
As you change, there is a part of you that you will lose.
Stage 1 – Uniformed Optimism
This is the first stage of the U-shaped roller coaster, Uniformed Optimism. Eager to embrace change, excited to see where things take you.
It’s the beginning of a new path, where spirits are high, and you’re filled with enthusiasm and anticipation for what’s coming next. This stage is full of hope for the future, the honeymoon period. You’ve got your rose-colored glasses on for what’s ahead, completely unaware of the difficulties that are waiting for you.
The tightrope you have to walk here is embracing the energy that allows you to ignite your desired change yet balancing it with patience and realism.
This is the stage where you:
- Set realistic expectations. We can get easily excited and create a laundry list of things we want to change, but setting realistic expectations will determine if you succeed or not.
- Find your compelling ‘Why’. The stronger your why, the easier it will be to get through the next 2 stages. List out the potential benefits and reasons for your desired outcome.
- Create a cost list. What will this change cost you, include both positive and negative costs. This isn’t just financial, maybe the change you make will cost you your time, friendships, or partners. Be honest with yourself here.
- Pace yourself! Don’t burn all your enthusiasm at this stage, save reserves to get you through the next 2 stages. It’s easy to get overly excited in this phase and let the interest quickly die off. Keep some reserves in the tank.
Stage 2 – Informed Pessimism
After the honeymoon period wears off, you move further into unfamiliar territory. The second stage – Informed Pessimism. You’re more familiar with the details of your desired change, and you start seeing the difficulties.
As your rose-colored glasses come off, the costs seem greater than the benefits. This is the stage of resistance and doubt. Where our inner saboteur comes out to play. Your homeostasis is getting knocked out of balance. Thoughts begin to creep in of failure and inadequacy urging you to retreat back into familiar territory.
The discomfort you feel in this stage represents your growing pains. The difficult part of this stage is that you’re dealing with intense emotions like frustration, doubt, anxiety, fear, and anger all of which spike your cortisol hormone. When left unchecked this prolonged increase in cortisol inhibits you from accessing your prefrontal cortex, the executive function part of your brain. As you can guess, it is vital to access this in this stage.
This is the stage where you:
- Take consistent action. Regardless of how you feel. Especially when you feel unmotivated. Focus on consistency instead of motivation.
- Lean into the discomfort but don’t live in it. Utilize your spike of cortisol but add dopamine into the mix. Combining the two is the key to getting into a flow state. (exercise, sleep, and meditation are just some ways to induce dopamine)
- Practice self-compassion. It may feel like the time to show some tough love but here is where you give yourself some grace. Reminding yourself that doubt is a natural part of the process.
- Stay curious. The less judgemental you are about the process of change the more you’re able to stay curious. Keeping you feeling open and welcoming of new things.
- Massage your courage muscle. It doesn’t have to be directly related to the desired change, just do something in your life that requires courage. The beach I used to live by had a small cliff that I would jump off every time I went. It scared the shit out of me. However, it gave me the confidence boost I needed to forge ahead during difficult times.
Stage 3 – The Valley of Despair
This stage is where the biggest opportunity for growth lies but is also the most difficult. It’s the lowest point of the cycle – The Valley of Despair. As you press on with the changes you’ve made, you will inevitably encounter more obstacles and setbacks.
Your frustration mounts, despair, shame, and a sense of hopelessness circle the air. You begin to question whether you have what it takes to overcome the challenges in front of you. It’s where you experience the pain of change and where the end seems too far away and almost unimportant now. The easier thing to do here is quit. This is where most people will fall off the wagon.
This stage is why we start projects and never finish them.
You bargain with yourself and justify that you’ll lose less quitting here than if you continued because the benefits seem so far away.
This is where you can get shiny object syndrome. Where the grass seems greener on the other side of a different objective. The problem is that if you decide to quit, you’ll eventually start something new again and this Emotional Cycle of Change will start all over again.
This is the stage where you:
- Continue to take that consistent action. Taking consistent action every day toward your objective will help you fuel your momentum. Even if the action steps are small.
- Visualize. Connect to that compelling reason that you crafted in stage 1 and visualize the end. Even if the obstacles seem too big, and the challenges too uncomfortable, focus on the end and connect to the emotions that you’ll feel once you’ve achieved your desired change.
- Reframe your relationship with obstacles. Obstacles are opportunities for us to practice responding rather than reacting. Taking on the Adult ego role and embracing obstacles as opportunities for growth and learning.
- Create a new perspective with challenges. When challenges arise, instead of being surprised that they’re there, accept that challenges are required stepping stones for success.
- Build perseverance and resilience. There’s this old Croatian verb ‘Strike while the iron is hot’. Basically saying, act while the opportunity is here. Resilience and perseverance are not built when things are going well.
- Ask yourself this question. Are you interested in change or committed to change? If you’re committed to changing, you know what you need to keep doing.
The silver lining of this stage, it’s the bottom and the only place to go is up.
Stage 4 – Informed Optimism
This is where the tides begin to change. The fourth stage – Informed Optimism. The possibility of success increases and you can see the road ahead more clearly. Where you feel more acceptance and surrender to the process.
You’re feeling more confident and proficient. You move further away from the desire to quit and closer to seeing the benefits of your changes. Little wins begin happening, and the fruits of your labor begin to sprout. The light at the end of the tunnel is close. Emotions of hope, optimism, humility for what you’ve gone through and happiness are more evident. Your determination and perseverance have gotten you closer to your objective. Your small wins begin to build critical momentum.
This phase is all about perspective. You can see all that you’ve gone through and all that you still need to do but all from a higher perspective. The cost seems worthwhile now, and things don’t feel as tough anymore.
This is the stage where you:
- Release the need for control. How you got to this stage is probably not how you envisioned it when you were at the first stage. Releasing that need for control on how you think things should go.
- Trust. Trusting that life/universe/God whatever you like to call it, has your back. Once you get this far, you know you didn’t get here alone.
- Surrender into the process. Having a willingness to let go of attachments and expectations, allowing things to unfold as they will.
- Faith. Now that you’ve come out the other end, having faith in your abilities to overcome anything that comes your way.
Stage 5 – Success and Fulfillment
The Final stage – Success and Fulfillment. Where all your changes and new behaviors have been realized. Where you have the benefit of hindsight as you cross the finish line.
The things that used to be difficult have been reinforced into your new routine and become habits. This stage is all about gratitude, pride, and contentment. You’ve integrated the lessons you learned along the way, incorporating them into who you are. You come out of this Emotional Cycle of Change wiser and more resilient than before.
You’re ready to see what the next chapter holds for you. Feeling empowered by your experience you are ready to embrace all the possibilities that have opened up to you for sticking it through.
Last thoughts
My biggest takeaway from learning about the Emotional Cycle of Change? Get comfortable being uncomfortable. By consistently engaging in new behaviors and thought patterns, we can strengthen our brain’s neural connections associated with those changes, making them more automatic and ingrained over time. By bringing awareness to the emotions that arise during periods of change, we can anticipate and learn how to manage them more effectively. As you accumulate more life experiences, you may become more attached to your identity, so the feeling of loss can be harder to let go of. But accepting change as part of your identity will allow you to do it gracefully and with much more ease.