Ever notice how some people effortlessly cultivate and navigate healthy relationships, while others struggle and can’t seem to catch a break? There’s a theory behind this. First studied by psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-twentieth century, Attachment Theory provides insight into how we relate to others based on our early childhood experiences. This psychological framework sheds light on how our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles and subsequently the lens through which we view and experience relationships. Our attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping how we connect, communicate, and form relationships. Imagine for a second, we are all hitchhikers in relationships, carrying our attachment styles in our backpacks, offloading them as we interact with different people we meet along the road. So what are the attachment styles? The four attachment styles include: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.
Decoding Attachment Styles
Understanding our Attachment Style is like holding up a mirror to our past experiences, enabling us to make conscious choices in our present relationships. By understanding your own attachment style and its impact, you can cultivate healthier relationships, work on building trust, and prioritize your emotional well-being.
A lot of the time we can wrongly perceive our attachment style. This is because our styles can change throughout our lifetime depending on our experiences and personal development journey. You can breathe a sigh of relief knowing you can actively change your attachment style and that it isn’t set in stone based on your past.
Below we’ll discover the defining traits, behaviors, and emotional patterns associated with each style, helping you gain a deeper understanding of the tendencies we all have in relationships.
1. The Clingy Clinger – Anxious Attachment Style
“What if they find someone better?”… This is when your anxiety takes control of the wheel, where a deep-seated fear of abandonment clouds your interactions making it difficult not only to enjoy but miss the ever present moment. There may not even be a valid reason for this fear, but it’s ever so present in your mind. Having basically developed a Ph.D. in overthinking, you’re constantly seeking reassurance and envisioning worst-case scenarios.
Typically, this attachment style stems from inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving during childhood. Sometimes they were there for us, other times not so much. Leading to an unstable environment. This can manifest as clingy behavior or difficulty trusting other people’s intentions. You’re constantly on alert, with a heightened sensitivity to any relationship dynamics leading to a rollercoaster of emotions, pushing people away, and making it tough to maintain healthy relationships. These anxieties can impact your self-esteem and can create unnecessary tension in your relationships.
Finding the best strategies for managing anxiety, building self-confidence, and fostering healthier connections that address both your needs and the needs of others can be the next steps to take in overcoming this attachment style.
2. The Detached Dreamer – Avoidant Attachment Style
Now, on the other end of the spectrum is the cold-hearted, master of emotional detachment. Haven’t we all experienced this type or perhaps been this person once before? The thought of emotional intimacy triggers your “I’m independent, I don’t need anyone” mindset and sends you packing your bags and bolting. You don’t trust the intentions of people, even if they haven’t given you a reason to be suspicious. Essentially your relationships don’t last long or you keep finding yourself in relationships that clearly don’t have a future. Deep connections to people feel a bit like balancing on a tightrope without a safety net. You overly value independence and have a disproportionate fear of depending on others.
This Avoidant attachment style often develops from childhood experiences where self-reliance was the norm. Maybe you had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or neglectful during childhood. This can lead to difficulties in fully opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to others. This attachment style tends to minimize the importance of close relationships, maintaining emotional distance, and avoiding relying on others.
Discovering the underlying reasons for this avoidant behavior is the first step to overcoming this attachment style. Only by understanding where this stems from can we make a shift in our belief system. Practice asking yourself the question, “Is this belief true?” Creating a safe and stable environment to openly express one’s feelings and emotions can also help this attachment style work through the impulse to flee.
3. The Frustratingly Hot and Cold – Disorganized Attachment Style
The Disorganized attachment style, also known as the fearful-avoidant style, is a blend of the previous Anxious and Avoidant styles. Are you someone that oscillates between craving emotional connection and fearing vulnerability? You’re frustrated with yourself, constantly in a cycle of running away from relationships and then missing them when it’s gone. This internal conflict complicates your ability to establish and maintain stable relationships.
Typically this attachment style experienced inconsistent or traumatic childhood experiences, leading to conflicting emotions and behavioral patterns. You desire closeness but fear abandonment, which can create an internal push-pull dynamic. In turn, draining all your emotional energy. If you struggle with this attachment style, you may experience self-esteem issues, emotional dysregulation, and challenges forming trusting relationships – all the while, deeply craving them.
Reflecting on your upbringing and how your circumstances have affected you is highly important. Identifying what situations trigger unhealthy emotional responses. This will allow you to take a step back and choose a different response. Setting clear boundaries for what you will and will not put up with is also highly important. Learning how to communicate your needs and taking things slowly in relationships will help you manage the internal friction you experience.
4. The Secure Unicorn – Secure Attachment Style
And finally, the holy grail of attachment styles, the unicorn! Having a Secure attachment style feels like you’re dancing through your relationships – having a healthy balance of independence and intimacy. You’re like an emotional skyscraper, built on a solid foundation of trust and love. Easily able to form healthy and secure relationships, confidently expressing your needs while also supporting those of others. You believe in the power of connection but also understand the importance of independence, embodying a deep confidence in your own self-worth.
This attachment style often develops from consistent and reliable early childhood experiences. Their emotional needs were consistently met and nurtured. If you ask them what their earliest memory of an interaction with a caregiver was, it’s likely a positive and caring memory. This style paves the way for healthier, happier, and more fulfilling connections. Fostering healthy relationship patterns and emotional well-being while exhibiting it to others.
This attachment style is the ultimate goal you hope to be carrying in your bag as you meet people along the road of life. The kindest thing we can do for others and ourselves is to strive to be in a place where we don’t bring our baggage into a new relationship. I know, easier said than done. Developing self-awareness and practicing coherent communication can help with this effort. Learn more about that here.
Last Thoughts
Admittedly researching this article and writing about it has brought to light aspects of my own behaviors and interactions that were uncomfortable to admit. Sometimes arming yourself with the knowledge to change isn’t an easy sword to bear, but nonetheless getting comfortable with being uncomfortable means that there is expansion ahead. Change takes time and self-compassion. Thankfully, our attachment style isn’t set in stone, we can all evolve and grow toward a more Secure attachment style.
The ultimate goal is not to judge ourselves or others but to embrace where we are, and where we would like to be. This theory isn’t intended for us to blame our upbringing, it’s to help us understand our past, so we can better relate to our present selves in order to write a more hopeful future. So next time you find yourself offloading your bag on a new relationship, take a step back, question your reactions, and choose the path that leads you toward more inspiring connections.